trying

Lately it seems that no matter how hard I am fighting, it is never enough. For every day I feel a breathe it seems like I get days upon days of misery.  I know I am not alone it just feels like sometimes noone truly understands the depths of pain. Between missing Michael and struggling through life. I feel done and then the world every day it just gets worse and worse. It is just tooo much. Sometimes I seriously would love to just disappear. I know that wouldn’t help anything but the pain gets unbearable at times.    1146961_10200303240359045_1282391890_o

reality

sometimes in life you get a chance to change, to be a better person/, no longer having to say what if.

I ___ dreamcatcher Pink Purple Space Art Print by Girly Trend _ Society6am an example of that. lets just say early on in my relationship with  Michael it wasnt without drama. We used to have horrid fights. We even stopped seeing each other. We needed that because when we did get together again there was a shift. sure we bickered (not  a lot) but we had his really intense bond. see if we hadn’t gotten together again where would we end up.

life throws us curveballs not just to test us but also to help grow in love and light

sometimes

sometimes no matter how much I try, I can’t seem to do anything right. Just one day I would like to have without me being an emotional wreck. which pain will win today the physical or the emotional. either way it is too much tonight. i just wish i could cry to help in the healing. mehInstagramCapture_af4a9f6c-6a70-41b8-85f4-00107af4c832

sometimes

 

sometimes it feels like I am being taken on a ride to who knows where for reasons no one knows.

every time it feels like i am getting control of my life bam. something will happen to let me know I am not in control of my life. It is frustrating to say the least. 

It looks like my astrological sign is a perfect match for me. Gemini the sign of duality. Perfect because I feel like 2 separate souls everyday.

I just  wish the universe would just let me heal before they throw anything else at me. A girl can hope right?

confusion reigns supreme

I am so confused right now. I have been so down recently because of breaking my fingers that has me all emotional. I dislike this feeling of helplessness, meh I wish I could just take out an emotion chip like Data does because this sucks. There is no way I will ever ever care about another soul that way. I know it beyond anything else. sometimes I just wish someone would just be there when I just need the feel of a hug. Like I said confusion reigns supreme. Michael will forever and always have my heart. 14567627_1080607088720895_8471719057882300833_o

fear

Those of you that may know me understand things going on in my life. Well now this. I fell on the sidewalk 3 weeks ago and broke 3 fingers. I went to STATcare where they put my hand in a splint, told me to follow-up with an ortho dr. Thus starts this post. I called the Monday after and told the office the story. They were telling me they would get me an appt. Then they asked what insurance I had turns out they didn’t accept it. so i called and customer service who would take my ins. I have surgery on Monday they have to put metal plates in to help. I was feeling ok no big deal. Then as it gets closer I am becoming scared.

This is really the first time I have had to handle this kind of thing since Michael died. He always was here for me whether i needed hugs or to talk. I am finding it difficult to keep up this front. I feel like my heart is breaking all over again. I am scared but I have to not give up 😦

existence

Have you ever been made to feel like a complete and utter failure. My so-called boss did that to me. While i wont go into details. However I was left questioning everything. Am i really such a horrid person. why couldn’t he just be nice and understanding.Ugh can’t keep going into the Why’s need to find someway to get through.

it just seems like lately that anything that can go wrong does. I am frankly sick of waiting for the other shoe to drop. meh

times like this I really miss my Michael even if all he could do was hold me and let me cry.

Angels

Have you ever met an angel? I did today. I have been feeling pretty down lately all teary and just lonely. Well today on the bus going home a guy was talking to the bus driver when all of a sudden he looked at me and said he loved my hair. Then went on to say he was overwhelmed by my spirit and my smile. Alot of people would say “Oh Tina he was playing you” I really don’t think so just his reaction was not faked. He told me don’t let anyone ever take my spirit away. basically be you. We get to the final stop as I am exiting the bus the guy gives me a huge hug and says a prayer for me and told me don’t forget what he told me. He said he couldn’t help his reaction it was like he was punched or something. Wow it was intense

Meh

Today is a very tearful day. Remembering 911 like it was yesterday All the fear all the loss just everything. Remembering the panic I felt while I was walking home from work. Constantly looking in the sky thinking at any. Moment I wouldn’t survive. You see at that time we lived bout 30 minutes away from NYC 🗽 I was never that scared before. Also remembering the absolute joy of getting home and seeing Michael and the kids. People life has a way of going what it wants, not necessarily the same as you. All you can do is be the best you that you are capable of being. Stop the hate just stop embrace brave the beauty of love ❤ the world will be. A better place

Missing you

I am having a hard day today I miss you. I miss your smile I miss the way you called me duck. I miss the presence of you. I miss out 3am talks about everything. I miss the safe feeling I always got within your arms. I miss your scent. I just really really miss you 😓