Meltdowns and all thing fun

I actually got so overwhelmed today that when I went into the  Drug  Mart close to where I work. I had a slight meltdown. Because I didn’t know the heck to get for dinner Ugh I feel so utterly stupid that I have let everything get to me so much. I desperately need to reconnect with my forest. WP_20170917_011

Thoughts

You are constantly in my thoughts Michael. There are certain days that are just so hard all I wanna do is curl up into a ball and cry. Then I realize that is something you would of been upset with me about. Every day from the moment I wake to the moment sleep overtakes me are filled with wanting you to be proud of me. I miss you more than Life itself and wish I were with you :*( but I guess there are things I have to do here. 13238971_10206241232125128_4767680910552771035_n

tears

well 5 years have come and gone. I still cannot cry. It is like they are stuck inside. I seriously do not know how I am holding on. I have noticed I am more afraid of closeness lately. I will only let people get so close. This hurts cause I have some incredible friends. I don’t want to feel like this. I guess it’s a protection for me. I am still trying to find my way through all the world is going through….alone. 011013170055

is hope dead?

Do you believe hope changes anything? I used to. People always are saying things like You have to believe in hope, you have to be positive. I call bull. I had hope and faith that my Michael was going to beat the cancer that killed him. I had hope that one day I would take a trip to Scotland to see someone I had become very close to. Nope nothing there. I had hope that ultimately sanity would prevail. These days I really have no idea. Why have hope when it lets you down repeatedly. Just feeling……

vulnerability

sometimes it feels like no matter what I think I can’t get myself  to fully trust anyone anymore. I was destroyed by believing someone who had me convinced to look past my instincts and believe them. They really manipulated me into believing that they actually gave a damn. Finding out more every day just the depths that they went to. Like it wasn’t bad enough to make it look like I was stealing from work. They actually went so far as to make me feel like they thought of me as a friend. Boy was I destroyed. How can I ever trust anyone after that. Well I am taking things slow and slowly my trust is sorta kinda making a comeback. I am pretty afraid of being hurt like that ever again, but I have to rise above and take my life back. Feeling sadimg_20160327_163854-1.jpg

little things

I know people can be clueless sometimes while speaking but this. Talking to friend discussing Michael. reminicsing and then discuss my current medical situation. out comes this comment “You aren’t gonna leave me alone here.” It felt like they were predicting my death and the effect on them not on my children. ugh wonders y I tryinstagramcapture_9e408d96-eb70-4404-94c3-1b614c1f63ad

what now?

I am feeling so unsettled. I don’t know whats up and whats down. Fear has gripped me and I hate it. I never thought I would be like this. I  miss Michael so much. I really could use one of his hugs and his words to help. Sometimes I wonder how to get through this life. It is hard to even make it through the day for me anymore. Tears are one level away always. Trying not to let them out because I don’t want that look.